A Wheel With Spokes

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A Wheel With Spokes

A wheel with spokes–it is off a wheelchair but that is not really relevant. I remembered when I was in the partial hospitalization program we talked about the cycle and that we have ups and downs. And we talked about a philosophy that we have cogs and highs and lows and that change is the only hope of humanity. With the spokes you have change and without the spoke you only have one place and you are stuck at the bottom of it. I guess [this can help] to illustrate how people are kind of stuck in the one with depression are stuck in that down position. At least what I’ve seen and felt, you don’t really experience the highs in life. The medication lets you feel the highs for me, but at least for me the happiest I would get I would get stuck. There was no sense of accomplishment, but I’m still working on that in therapy. There is not the sense of happiness and accomplishment that is real strong. That was one thing when I was getting out of PHP and right now I’m working as janitor and I wasn’t able to get it clean because I didn’t have the equipment. But that night I figured it out and I got the floor clean and I found the right kind of chemical formula.  I finally felt the accomplishment. But it is kind of sad that I got that accomplishment with something like an artificial ice surface.  I didn’t  get that sense when I finished college even. For me, the help you get when you get treated for this sort of thing, you almost have to be willing to be open to it yourself. You can try to put people in positions but they have to want to succeed. For me when I did finally get treatment I realized it had gone back about 12 years.  But I realized as I got older I realized that there has to be something wrong. I felt like there was something wrong because people around me were happy and having success. They were able to keep to relationships so that is why I thought there was something wrong there and I went in.