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The Dam

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The Dam

Before the dam it is as smooth as glass and then all of a sudden it turns into the white water rapids. It tends to sneak up on me, the depression episodes that is.  I relate it back to my job I lost, I got a huge raise and then I found out they were closing the doors and then shwoosh my anxiety went way up.  With the business closing it threw me into a panic.  I know now that it was how I reacted to the closing and the anger.  I worked a lot with the people [in the healthcare facility] to help me.  My wife asked me to pray for [my ex-boss] and finally one night I did.  Now the hostile feelings are gone and I no longer want revenge.  It worked, I prayed and prayed and it worked.  Now that I’m feeling better I feel bad that I wished ill will on him.  In my head I was so angry with him but I don’t any longer.  Um, I don’t know, depression just tends to sneak up on you and you don’t see it coming and by the time you see it, you feel it is too late.  [I would educate people to] Stay on the meds, keep up with therapy, keep working.  I have had 4 episodes of major depression and all of them have been related to jobs.  The 1st was when I lost my first job and my wife was pregnant and I got really worried and anxious about house, bills, baby.  2nd For 6 years I worked with a man that reminded me of my dad and every day I went into his office and shook his hand and one day I got mad at him and didn’t shake his hand.  That day he had a heart attack and died.  I felt guilty and bad and went into depression.  3rd was on Zoloft for 10-15 years and my mind was playing a lot of tricks on me and kept thinking that I was going to get fired and the boss had a closed door meeting and I thought I was going to get fired.  Sent me into a tail spin.  4th is the most recent with work.  This one sent me into the fastest crash.  Just that recognize when negative thinking starts and puts a stop to it. [It’s not easy to do when you are in the rapids]  Right now I feel like it is the calm.